WARNING. This is a long post. I share a lot of feelings/emotions I've experienced. This is something I don't normally like to do on my public blog so feel free to skip reading this post.
The hardest thing after having Charlotte was not feeling like "myself".
Let me preface...
Both Mike and I were thrilled to have Charlotte in our home. We knew she came to our family at the right time, we were ready to be parents and welcomed this change into our lives. I remember people saying "your life will change" and at the time of being told that I remember thinking "Duh, of course it's going to change. We're having a baby." I was excited for the change and I knew having a baby would enrich my life in ways I couldn't imagine. I loved teaching and working in elementary schools but I wanted to be a mom and it felt right to be home with her.
So we knew our lives would change but there really isn't a way to prepare for it. After coming home from the hospital with Charlotte I felt like my life has changed literally over night. For the first six weeks I walked around like a tired zombie who fed her baby, changed her diapers and slept whenever it was possible. I didn't feel like myself. I loved my baby, no doubt, but I didn't feel like the old Laura. I was SO emotional. Oh my gosh so emotional; ask any of my sisters. I was in survival mode trying to figure out life with a newborn, with a husband who was gone and working A LOT. I was no longer doings things that I used to do, which was ok, but VERY different from what my life had been like, no more teaching/work, I wasn't running, I didn't have time to read, I wasn't watching my favorite shows at night, I wasn't going to church and weekly ward activities. I felt like I had lost myself.
Slowly things got a little easier with the newborn I was beginning to figure her out, what her cries meant, when she was hungry, she started sleeping better and I was coming out of my shell again. I went to my six week post-delivery appointment and got the go ahead to start running again. We all know how that first run went. I was disappointed, frustrated and felt like I would never be able to run like I used to. Early last fall I signed up for the Salt Lake Half marathon thinking I could totally run it even though my baby would only be three months old. I thought it would be great motivation to get back into shape after having the babus. Well, after my first post-delivery run I thought running a half marathon would be impossible. There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to run a half marathon so soon. I was seriously distraught about it. Running, especially participating in races was something I had loved to do and I thought I would never be able to do it again. (So dramatic! Must have been those newborn hormones or something.)
Even though that first run was SO HARD, I knew I had to keep pushing myself. I felt wonderful encouragement from so many of you who had left comments on that blog post. Eventually running became easier. I was still slow but I could go three miles without stopping to walk, which turned into four miles, five miles, then six miles without walking. The idea of running the half became more realistic. Through running I was finding a NEW ME. One who loves being home with her baby but treasures and now appreciates her time to run by herself.
My aunt said it best when commenting on my sister Mandy's blog about Mandy and me in the newborn phase, "you're in the middle of it, but can I tell you what I think is amazing about the newborn transition? You loose your "old self" with each child and become a deeper, wiser new self each time. I love watching you girls "loose yourselves" and become something new. You are both amazing!!!! period. The best is yet to come!"
A couple of weeks before the half I just decided to run it. I had already signed up and PAID for it. I knew it was going to be hard, I knew I would have to push myself, and I knew I would probably have to walk during the race as well. But I was determined to do it.
AND I DID.
Did I have to walk? YES.
Did it kick my butt? YES.
Did I want to quit in the middle of it? YES.
Did I dry heave at mile 11? YES.
Did I run it 10 MINUTES slower than last year. YES.
But did I love it? YES.
Being a mother is the most wonderful gift I have in my life. I can honestly say I look forward to being with Charlotte every day. But it's also important to still be ME. I didn't run the half to get a PR, I did it because running has brought me to feeling like me again. I needed to prove to myself I was still a runner. I needed to prove I could balance life with a newborn, resident husband and a passion for running. I'm so glad I pushed myself to do it regardless of how I did and how hard it was. Even though I have run a handful of half marathons, finishing this one has meant the most to me thus far.
Thanks to my wonderful husband who encouraged me to run and watched Charlotte so I could go running by myself once in awhile.
(Love him so much)
Thanks to my wonderful in laws for coming to cheer me on during the race! Seeing all of you gave me the burst of energy I needed at that time.
Thanks to my parents who met me at mile 7 and the end. You gave me the pep talk and encouragement I needed!
*What have you done after having kids to feel like yourself again?
*Did you ever feel a little lost after having children?
*Want to read the most beautiful post about this very topic? Please click here. It's SO WORTH YOUR TIME and Amanda says it so much more eloquently than I ever could. *Want to know something amazing? I have a friend who has a seven week old baby and she ran it in under an 8 minute mile pace. Katie, you rock and are my inspiration!
