WARNING. This is a long post. I share a lot of feelings/emotions I've experienced. This is something I don't normally like to do on my public blog so feel free to skip reading this post.
Let me preface...
Both Mike and I were thrilled to have Charlotte in our home. We knew she came to our family at the right time, we were ready to be parents and welcomed this change into our lives. I remember people saying "your life will change" and at the time of being told that I remember thinking "Duh, of course it's going to change. We're having a baby." I was excited for the change and I knew having a baby would enrich my life in ways I couldn't imagine. I loved teaching and working in elementary schools but I wanted to be a mom and it felt right to be home with her.
So we knew our lives would change but there really isn't a way to prepare for it. After coming home from the hospital with Charlotte I felt like my life has changed literally over night. For the first six weeks I walked around like a tired zombie who fed her baby, changed her diapers and slept whenever it was possible. I didn't feel like myself. I loved my baby, no doubt, but I didn't feel like the old Laura. I was SO emotional. Oh my gosh so emotional; ask any of my sisters. I was in survival mode trying to figure out life with a newborn, with a husband who was gone and working A LOT. I was no longer doings things that I used to do, which was ok, but VERY different from what my life had been like, no more teaching/work, I wasn't running, I didn't have time to read, I wasn't watching my favorite shows at night, I wasn't going to church and weekly ward activities. I felt like I had lost myself.
Slowly things got a little easier with the newborn I was beginning to figure her out, what her cries meant, when she was hungry, she started sleeping better and I was coming out of my shell again. I went to my six week post-delivery appointment and got the go ahead to start running again. We all know how that first run went. I was disappointed, frustrated and felt like I would never be able to run like I used to. Early last fall I signed up for the Salt Lake Half marathon thinking I could totally run it even though my baby would only be three months old. I thought it would be great motivation to get back into shape after having the babus. Well, after my first post-delivery run I thought running a half marathon would be impossible. There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to run a half marathon so soon. I was seriously distraught about it. Running, especially participating in races was something I had loved to do and I thought I would never be able to do it again. (So dramatic! Must have been those newborn hormones or something.)
Even though that first run was SO HARD, I knew I had to keep pushing myself. I felt wonderful encouragement from so many of you who had left comments on that blog post. Eventually running became easier. I was still slow but I could go three miles without stopping to walk, which turned into four miles, five miles, then six miles without walking. The idea of running the half became more realistic. Through running I was finding a NEW ME. One who loves being home with her baby but treasures and now appreciates her time to run by herself.
My aunt said it best when commenting on my sister Mandy's blog about Mandy and me in the newborn phase, "you're in the middle of it, but can I tell you what I think is amazing about the newborn transition? You loose your "old self" with each child and become a deeper, wiser new self each time. I love watching you girls "loose yourselves" and become something new. You are both amazing!!!! period. The best is yet to come!"
A couple of weeks before the half I just decided to run it. I had already signed up and PAID for it. I knew it was going to be hard, I knew I would have to push myself, and I knew I would probably have to walk during the race as well. But I was determined to do it.
AND I DID.
Did I have to walk? YES.
Did it kick my butt? YES.
Did I want to quit in the middle of it? YES.
Did I dry heave at mile 11? YES.
Did I run it 10 MINUTES slower than last year. YES.
But did I love it? YES.
Being a mother is the most wonderful gift I have in my life. I can honestly say I look forward to being with Charlotte every day. But it's also important to still be ME. I didn't run the half to get a PR, I did it because running has brought me to feeling like me again. I needed to prove to myself I was still a runner. I needed to prove I could balance life with a newborn, resident husband and a passion for running. I'm so glad I pushed myself to do it regardless of how I did and how hard it was. Even though I have run a handful of half marathons, finishing this one has meant the most to me thus far.
Thanks to my wonderful husband who encouraged me to run and watched Charlotte so I could go running by myself once in awhile.
(Love him so much)
Thanks to my wonderful in laws for coming to cheer me on during the race! Seeing all of you gave me the burst of energy I needed at that time.
Thanks to my parents who met me at mile 7 and the end. You gave me the pep talk and encouragement I needed!
*What have you done after having kids to feel like yourself again?
*Did you ever feel a little lost after having children?
*Want to read the most beautiful post about this very topic? Please click here. It's SO WORTH YOUR TIME and Amanda says it so much more eloquently than I ever could.
*Want to know something amazing? I have a friend who has a seven week old baby and she ran it in under an 8 minute mile pace. Katie, you rock and are my inspiration!
18 comments:
Glad to see you're human after all Laur! All those years I just thought you could run and never feel tired or slow. Way to go girl! You did it! Being a mom changes running, and makes you love it even more because it's your quiet time. So enjoy, and leave the stroller at home and go alone. Plus pushing a stoller is no fun.
You, Miss Laura, are amazing! I'm not talking about running either (although I think that is amazing as well and I have to make Liesl read this post since she worries about loosing that part of herself as well), I'm talking about watching you become that "new" you! Charlotte has made you "wise"!
I'm so proud of you! xoxoxoxoxo
ps) missed you at g'ma's.
Oh sweetie, you should have called me. I felt like that for a long time. I was so tired, and grieving, and just feeling like I was survival mode and not truly enjoying myself. Every time I got in the car to leave the house I felt like it was a major event, and why wasn't anyone applauding my hard work? I was so worried I was going to do something wrong and hurt Maddy. I still have moments at times when I am sooo bored. How many times can I pretend to be whatever make believe character Maddy wants me to be before I go nuts? Form a play group, go to story time at the library, make some mom friends. They will help you, listen, commiserate, and cheer for you. It is hard. There are always parts that are hard, and parts that are wonderful. It changes every few months, just to keep you on your toes. Hugs.
PS- that's why we go on so many field trips to zoos, museums, mall night, whatever. I get crazy being in the house too much staring at the laundry and dishes- again.
Love you!!
You are awesome. Come visit, would you?
Way to go, Lar! You are seriously a rock star. I think the feelings you've weathered are perfectly normal- it means that the things you are doing are IMPORTANT. All the stuff in life that brings us the most joy (i.e.children) require the most from our soul!--even if it's just getting through it day by day. Nothing can rock a world more than having a baby that cries, wakes up in the night, needs needs needs, and poops 12 times a day. BUT-- as you've discovered, you love these little creatures more than you could've ever imagined.
On running, if it's any consolation, I ran a 10 k when Henry was 8 or 9 weeks old... and it bit the dust. It was quite depressing- not to mention that I still felt bloated and chubby had this huge ol' nursing chest that was shaking and dancing all over the place. I was plum ready to throw the towel in on running, thinking I would never jump back into my normal pace.
But I kept at it (just as you will) and had (granted Henry was a bit older) 2 of the greatest times of my racing career between Henry's 6-10 month marks.
SO my point: I think the first race back isn't supposed to be record fast. It should be a struggle and a fight.... It's humbling. But I promise, give it a couple more months, be patient with yourself, and you'll be back to 'you', back to your normal pace, in no time.
You are doing awesome in every facet of life that is humanly possibly. The fact that you ran a HALF marathon already is impressive. I'm just hoping to run a half by the time this next baby is 6 months old. Bah! We need to move back to Utah- you can train me and push me okay?
very inspiring! Keep your "mom runner" or "runner mom" posts coming!
You're so cute! I'm amazed that you ran a half marathon already! You are a rockstar!
In my own life I have definitely felt that same struggle, it felt especially hard after Cadence, because I didn't really want kids when we started having kids. I did it because Zach wanted them so badly. Now I'm super grateful because if it had been left to me I don't think we would have had any and oh my goodness I hate to think of what I would have missed! But then - in the beginning - it was so brutal.
After I had Cadence I struggled so much with not being "me", the things that I had previously used to define myself no longer had a place in my home (my not exactly baby friendly music for example!) It was hard to go through all these changes some of them were very painful and I wondered if I would ever be "me" again.
After Jack it got worse. I felt so lonely and I was doing all the things "right" I had playgroups, craft clubs, church meetings, you name it I tried it. It wasn't until Jack was about one that I finally accepted that the old "me" was gone, but I was glad. All these changes were forcing me to be a new and better person. A more charitable and loving woman. And I started to fall in love with the "new me". I did a lot of praying and opened up my heart to what the new "me" could bring to my life and my family. I learned what to keep from the old me and what to add to it. I'm definitely not claiming perfection, but what I am trying to say is that although this time of transition is frustrating and lonely, the end result will become a new and improved version.
I really loved Julie B. Beck's talk this last conference and how she spoke about the necessity of using personal revelation to prioritize our lives. I felt like she was definitely talking to me, and how to again navigate the new child changes and the new me that's about to come out!
Just remember, the first three months are the worst! You've made it through and things are about to become even more amazing!
Good luck! I sure love you!
Goodness I am behind in blogging!!! Yes, it is so important to not lose yourself when you have kids. My friends out here are always tellign em they can't believe how busy I am always planning get togethers and girls nights etc. But it makes me wonder what they expect me to do- just stop being social since I have more kids now? I have to still do things for me becuase when I take time for myself and keep myself happy then it makes me a better mom- so good for you to figure it out so early!
Now for the hair- or lack there of! Oh my that post made me laugh with the pic Laura sent you! That is exactly what Hannah's hair looked like and tommy could not take it anymore...so you better keep a close eye on Charlotte when we coem visit this summer! Don't trust Tommy alone with her!;) oh and I LOVE all the crafty things you have created-you go girl!
isn't it funny how people can tell you your life will never be the same after having kids, but you can never fully appreciate what they are really trying to tell you until you go through it!
I like what your aunt said. I feel like the life i knew before children is completely gone and will never be like that again, but i am glad because i have a new life that granted might be a little more stressful but i am a stronger wiser person now and i have two beautiful children that i get to stress and worry about forever. they are mine and i am theirs all theirs. and of course those times away, whether running or going out with your hubby or whatever, are the best because you realize how much you love your babies! you are awesome and will always be laura and you are just getting better!
Aw, you made me cry. I'm so glad you posted this. I think it's so important for mom's to accept that life with a newborn is hard but that it's worth it at the same time. I also am a true believer in mom's needing to love their babies but also love themselves. It is so important to still be yourself and to still take time to do things for yourself. How can you be a good mom if you give everything of yourself over to your child? It's only fair for you to take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby and your family.
One thing I remember was looking into Jordan's eyes when they handed him to me to hold for the first time. It was like he could see all the way through to my soul and we were completely connected. At the same time, I loved him but loved when my mom would come over so I could run to Target for 5 minutes and just be in my car and listen to music and feel like my own self again. And, going back to work was so good for me, I felt like I could be myself and be productive in a different way. Of course, I missed my baby, but life went on when I was away from him. I have to say, I love him every more every second and it's way harder to be away from him now that he's almost 3 than when he was 3 months old. I think because we have watched him grow up and experienced so much with him I love him so much more now and in a different way. I wish I could be home with him all the time now. I think you are a great mom and I'm so proud of you for doing what you need to still be yourself!!!!! AND, I can't believe you ran half-marathon already!!!! :)
You have me in tears. What sweet words from your Aunt who said that you lose your old self, and become a BETTER new self! That is so true, but I love that are able to hold onto part of your "old self" and keep running because I know it is such a passion for you. You amaze me! You are such a great mom and an amazing person. I'm lucky to have you as a friend.
oh congrats Laura. You really are so amazing and have more dedication than anyone I know. I am not at all surprised you were not only able to run it, but only 10 min longer than pre-baby??? That is something to be really proud of. Loved the idea of finding your new self. Ill definitely be coming to you for advice when I find myself there. Congrats again! That is a major accomplishment!
oh, lar - you are an inspiration to me! it was so fun to see you run by - i told my neighbors that you just had a baby in december and they thought you were awesome! being a mother is the most amazing thing in the world, but it is also the biggest adjustment - i'm glad that you are keeping up with your running - and you will always be the darling laura i know - now you just have a little mini-laura named charlotte!
i love you so much. you have helped me think deeper, and have helped me look at my life and what is important to me. seriously. great post. thanks so much for sharing your inner thoughts and helping me take a better look at mine. love you.
Hey being a mom is the HARDEST thing I have ever done! It never gets easier, it just becomes more worth it as time goes on. Nothing has taught me more, humbled me more, challenged me more, and made me as genuinely happy as being a mother. I am so proud of you for accomplishing the mom thing and the running thing. Just wait until Charlotte runs too and plays at the park and the pool and everywhere you love to go. You are awesome:) By the way, this post is my favorite ever because it's so "real" and EVERYONE relates to what's real. Never be afraid to say what's really going on with you because most likely every mother out there is feeling the same, even if they don't admit it!!!
Man, I'm really behind on the blogging. Sometimes it feels like I have to squeeze my appreciative thoughts out like the end of a tube of toothpaste, but it DOES feel good to be appreciative of the little things. To answer your question, I'm currently reading "Poisonwood Bible," which is so well-written. I'm loving it, but I'm only getting time about once a week to read (and I don't even have a baby....), so it'll take me a good while to finish it.
Congrats on the race! That is simply amazing. I have gone on two good runs since I've been here (depressing...), but once I get more of my staff here, I hope to have more time.
Keep up the great work, Laura! You inspire me!
You are amazing. Harper is 1 and I am drying to start running. Like desperately dying. You just inspired me. Thanks for posting this!!!
Post a Comment