I'm feeling a little nostalgic today.
This week for most schools is BACK TO SCHOOL WEEK.
And for the first time in 13 years, since the age of 5 when I cried nearly EVERY DAY of kindergarten, I'm not going back to school, as a student or a teacher.
My school stuff is packed away in boxes gathering dust.
I haven't changed out of my running clothes yet.
My files loaded with good ideas are sitting useless.
I've changed 3 diapers today.
My children's chapter books are being unread.
And I've gone to the grocery store twice already today.
I'm actually quite sad to not being going back to school. I miss shopping for new school clothes. I missed the smell of sharpened pencils. I miss planning my teaching day, getting fresh, warm copies out of the copy machine, and writing letters to my new students. I miss seeing my colleagues and talking professionally about a subject I'm passionate about. I miss packing my brown lunch sack full of goodies to sustain my energy throughout the day. I miss making posters and laminating them to hang all over my classroom. I miss seeing the nervous faces of 7 and 8 year olds knowing I'm in charge of their well being for the next 8 hours of the day. I miss the old professional me, who was good at something and loved what she did.
However,
it was nice to go to bed last night not feeling nervous or anxious for the first day of school.
(Even though I'm not going to school, I still have had dreams about the first day of school in the past couple of weeks. Weird.)
Going back to teaching had never been something I've considered doing since my beautiful Charlotte has come into my life. Both Mike and I felt it was right for me to be home all day with her. And while I love the opportunity to be home with Charlotte I still struggle with feeling good about what I do each day. Doing laundry, unloading and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, and making the bed aren't so satisfying for me. I've never been that clean freak. While teaching in the classroom I was confident in my teaching abilities, I really felt like I was making a difference each day. I loved seeing the reward of a new concept taught by the change in my students' reading ability, high score on a math test, or a phone call from a parent sharing good news about a students' success. But I'm finding that even though I'm not in an official classroom my role as a mother is the most important teacher I can be. I'm slowly learning in my journey of being a mother that I too am making a difference in someone's life each day. It will just be a lot longer before I can see the success of what is being taught. Regardless, how of much I miss teaching, I wouldn't change a thing right now. Yes, I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing as a mother, but I do know I love that little bug more than I could have imagined. And I count myself lucky to be home with her each day.
PS I'm really missing my BB friends lately. You know you are. I wish you the best of luck this school year!
10 comments:
I bet it is so weird for you to watch everyone "go off". I'm glad you are where you are though, Charlotte is one lucky bebe :) Only 4 more years and you'll be going back to school as a room mother!!!
i always loved getting ready for the next school year as well. But only as a student. i am sure you have a whole new respect and love for the beginning of school being a teacher. And can i say, you are doing an amazing wonderful job with your baby!
you can come and teach grace any time you want to, if you are feeling that nostalgic about it all. really. laura. come over.
can we hang out yet?
ps, remember when i came and taught your students? they wanted to know if there are knives in africa? yes, children there are knives in africa, but they are huge and they call them machetes.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. Except I could never be a teacher, that is amazingly hard work. But I felt (and still feel) the same way about my career(s) both in the hospital and the home. You have a few years to prepare yourself for visiting Charlotte's school and all the emotions that will bring. I went to the hospital with Odessa and that dredged up all kinds of stuff . . .
You're doing a great job!
Beautifully said! (You may correct my spelling or grammar anytime!)
Your season is where you are right now.......you will be as fantastic in your home as you have been in the classroom. Be patient!!! You really are in the most important place right now....raising Charlotte. Let us hope there is a teacher waiting to teach Charlotte that has as much enthusiasm as you have had in the classroom!!! Come visit "Oquirrh" to get your feel of school!!!
I remember that feeling one September long ago when I was pregnant with Amanda and NOT heading to school for the first time in about 18 years. It is a nostalgic time, but Bobbi is right: Charlotte is a lucky baby. And I am a little envious of you being home as I prepare to start another year at school tomorrow!
Um, I think I could have written that entire post 2 years ago. It took me a year to let go of school. The second year was much easier. I am going to sleep now. Sleep. I need sleep.
I haven't been blog-hopping in a while! I'm so sad I missed this! What a nice post. It has been so weird not being at school to start the year...especially with a sub! It's hard to know someone is doing my job and that I'm relying on them to do a good job! I miss it but I'm loving being at home. I'm not sure how I'll feel when it's time to go back, but I'm like you, I love my job and I love interacting with people and working with the kids so I think I'll be ready to go back.
I love all your pictures! :) You are a great mom even if you don't always feel like it. Charlotte is so lucky to have you!
wow, reading that I got all teary! I don't know that I was as confident in my teaching as you were in yours but I sure did enjoy last year! I miss those kids but am so lucky to get to watch my Dex grow everyday! Thank you for always being such an inspiration to me!
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